


until it swallows me whole

by justbreathe80



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-15
Updated: 2009-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-04 10:56:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justbreathe80/pseuds/justbreathe80
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something was clearly wrong, and Ray and Fraser, they were buddies and Ray couldn't stand this, not for one more minute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	until it swallows me whole

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been a true labor of love, let me tell you. I've never put so much time, so much energy, so much blood, sweat, and tears (literally) into a fic, but I'm glad I did, and I'm kind of ridiculously proud of myself for it. I was close to giving up a number of times.
> 
> Thanks to aerye, for pushing me and ripping this up and helping me make it what I wanted it to be. I'm not sure it's anywhere near perfect, but it wouldn't have been half of what it is without you. You made me cry, but it was GOOD, and you also made me believe it would be worth it, and I am so grateful for that.
> 
> And to my darling brooklinegirl, who took on handholding duties for this project, and beta'ed many versions of this before I got it anywhere near right. You are my mentor and my friend and my fucking GURU and I adore you. There's so much of you in this, and it's better for it. Thank you for believing in me, and believing that I'm a better writer than I think I am sometimes.

Ray strode into the Consulate, waving at Turnbull and Thatcher, who were deep in conversation about something that was, no doubt, very vital to Canada, on his way to Fraser’s office.

“Hey there, Benny, how’s it going?” he said as he walked in, his voice cheery, because he was about to make Fraser a very happy man. Fraser looked up, a little startled. “Ray, what –“

Ray just smiled and sat down on the edge of Fraser’s desk. “Today, Fraser, today is your lucky day. Boy, do I have something for you.” Ray fumbled in the pockets, grasping the two pieces of paper in his hands and pulling them out. He plunked them down on the desk and crossed his arms in front of his chest, grinning, pretty fucking proud of himself.

Fraser leaned forward to look. Two tickets, to the Chicago Symphony. Ravel, Prokofiev, Rimsky-Korsakov. He’d seen Fraser looking at Orchestra Hall out of the window of the Riv this past week, almost longingly, and Ray thought he’d do something for Fraser, so he paid almost $200 for the tickets.

He watched as Fraser took in the tickets, and he could see the corners of Fraser’s mouth turn up, just slightly, and Fraser’s eyes got wide, like a little kid in a toy store. He cleared his throat and looked up. “Ray, you really shouldn’t –“

“Do _not_ even say that. I wanted to do this. It’s on Thursday, so I thought we’d go to Anthony’s for dinner, I made a reservation, then to the concert. How does that sound?” God, it was almost like he was doing something he gave a shit about, but it was better doing something for Fraser, taking him out, showing him a good time, god knew he never would do it for himself.

“Yes, yes, that would be –“ And suddenly, it was like Fraser shut down, right there, smile gone. Ray blinked, confused as hell. “I’m, uh, terribly sorry, Ray, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it. Perhaps you can find someone else to go with you.” Fraser turned away and started writing, filling out some report on the desk.

“Whoa, Fraser, wait a minute, what the hell do you mean, you can’t go? It’s the symphony, _classical music_, you love this stuff, come on.” Fraser turned back, but it was all polite Mountie now.

“Yes, I do quite enjoy classical music, Ray, but I’m afraid I have paperwork to catch up on for the rest of the week.”

Fraser just looked at him, and Ray started to realize that this was an uphill battle, but, Jesus, he was just trying to do something nice for Fraser, and it would be fun.

“Come on, just talk to Thatcher, maybe she’ll let you out for one night.” He kind of hated the sound of his own voice, and he didn’t like feeling like he was begging.

Fraser sighed and turned back around, his back to Ray. “I’m sorry, it’s just not possible.”

Ray just sat there, reaching down to finger the sharp edges of the tickets, the room quiet. “Well, uh, you keep the tickets. Maybe Thatcher and Turnbull’ll want to go.” Ray pushed off of the desk and left the tickets on the desk. “See you around, Fraser.” He could hear Fraser’s goodbye as he walked out of the room.

When he got to the car, he put his hands forward and leaned his forehead against the hood. He didn’t have a fucking clue what just happened. It wasn’t like Fraser had some busy social life or something, and he’d never turned Ray down, for dinners at the Vecchio house, lunch at the diner, poker with some guys from the station.

He’d really wanted to do this thing for Fraser, give him something, treat him. He deserved it, and Ray wanted to be the one to give it to him. Fraser was his best friend in the whole world, and a great guy, and pretty much Ray’s whole work life and personal life too.

Ray tried to imagine what it would be like, not to hang out with Fraser anymore, just dinner with Frannie, Maria, Tony, Ma, and the kids, same thing every night, forever, and, god – that idea, the idea that he wouldn’t get to spend time with Fraser was too shitty to even think about, so he wasn’t going to.

Hopefully, this would blow over, and things would be back to normal.

*****

Two weeks later, Ray was driving Fraser home after a case, a particularly crazy one, and it was very late.

“Hey, Benny, that was quite a day, huh?” Ray looked down at where his hands grasped steering wheel, and saw that the cuff of his jacket had a tear in it. Damn it.

“Yes, Ray.”

“Want to get something to eat? We could go to the place down the street.”

“No, thank you kindly.”

Dief whined from the back seat, and Ray glanced back to see that Dief’s fur was matted and dirty. God, what a day. A pretty typical day for the two of them but that didn’t make it any less insane.

And Fraser, Fraser was being weird. Well, weirder than usual, meaning he wasn’t talking Ray’s ear off like he usually did. If Ray was being honest, this distant, weird thing that Fraser was doing had been happening before today. They hadn’t spent nearly any time together outside of work in a couple of weeks, since the whole concert incident.

Normally, they were together all day, then they went out to eat or back to the Vecchio house, and Ray drove Fraser and Dief home. But Fraser’d been turning him down left and right, and his ma had started to ask if Fraser was okay, was he sick? Did he need some lasagna?

Ray sighed. “What, you don’t need to eat?”

“No, I’m fine.” Fraser’s tone was distant and clearly said _back off_.

Ray pulled the Riv smoothly around the corner, stealing glances every couple of seconds over at Fraser in the passenger’s seat. Fraser was staring out the window at the passing buildings, and Ray couldn’t really make out his expression.

This _sucked_, and Ray was tired of tiptoeing around Fraser and worrying all the damn time that he’d done something. Something was clearly wrong, and Ray and Fraser, they were _buddies_ and Ray couldn’t stand this, not for one more minute. And if that meant he had to be the bigger man, and ask Fraser straight out what was going on, then so be it.

The Riv rolled to a stop in front of Fraser’s building, and Ray threw it into park and turned to face Fraser. Fuck this, this was getting out of hand.

“Okay, out with it. Seriously. What’s going on with you?”

Fraser turned to look at Ray, his face still unreadable. “Nothing, Ray, I’m quite fine. Have a good night.” With that, he unbuckled his seat belt and reached for the door handle.

“Whoa, whoa,” Ray said, and actually grabbed onto Fraser’s tunic to keep him in the car. “What the hell is going on?” He was really starting to get pissed off.

Fraser stilled, but Ray kept his hands fisted in the serge, because he was pretty sure Fraser would take off if he let go. “Please, Ray, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”

Ray didn’t know what to say, because Fraser was _never_ tired, he was practically superhuman in that way, and even if he was, he wouldn’t ever say so. True, they’d had a rough day; Fraser fell out of a window while chasing a perp who had stolen some little old lady’s purse, landing right on his back. Ray had watched him limp a little and wince as they got in the car to take the guy back to the station. But this seemed more than that, more than tired, like there was something bigger going on, and Ray couldn’t put his finger on it.

Ray was still holding onto Fraser’s uniform, anchoring himself there. “God, did I do something? Tell me if I did something, because, Jesus, you’re freaking me out here.”

“Please, just let me go,” and now there was panic in Fraser’s voice. He was trying to pull away, but Ray kept his hand clutched in the front of the serge, holding him there, forcing him to stay.

“No. Talk to me, goddamn it.” Fraser tried to get away again, but Ray still had him, he was still holding onto him tight, and he pulled, hard, until Fraser was right next to him on the seat. Ray could feel Fraser warm next to him and see the dark look in his eyes.

Suddenly, like a switch had flipped, Fraser’s mouth was on his, and holy shit, they were _kissing_, and before he could even understand it, make a decision, Fraser’s hand came up to cup Ray’s jaw.

Wow, okay, and Ray’s hand came up to Fraser’s neck, and he used his hand in the front of Fraser’s uniform to pull Fraser’s chest into his, and felt Fraser’s mouth open up. Ray was trying to keep himself from shaking, from flying apart, because he had no idea, no fucking _idea_ \-- because this felt like something he hadn’t even known he needed.

Fraser’s hands were everywhere, up around Ray’s neck, stroking his hair and pushing up against his chest, moaning into Ray’s mouth and trying to pull him closer, and Ray could probably unclench his fist from Fraser’s uniform, since Fraser didn’t seem to be going anywhere, but Fraser had Ray’s arm pinned between them.

Ray could never have imagined what Fraser’s lips would feel like before, soft and strong under his, what Fraser’s tongue would feel like, stroking against his. He'd never really _thought_ about this before, never imagined it. Making out with his _partner_ in the front seat of the Riv in this shitty neighborhood. With his _male_ partner. With _Fraser_, for Christ’s sake. Who was, yeah, both a _guy_ and his _partner_. Fuck.

Ray pushed Fraser back, harder than he meant to, and he winced when he heard Fraser’s back hit the door. Fraser was panting, a little flushed, and Ray had to tear his eyes away from his swollen, wet lips.

“Um, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Ray said, sounding breathless and a little (okay, a _lot_) turned on, even to his own ears. God, he was such an asshole, because he didn’t want to be like that, didn’t want to freak out just because Fraser had kissed him.

Fraser raised his hand to his own lips, brushing them gently with his fingertips. “Ray –“

“Benny, just don’t. Okay? I’ll see you at the station tomorrow.” God, he was terrified that if Fraser said one more word, something else crazy would happen, that he might kiss Fraser again, and that was way more than he could handle at the moment. He turned his head away and started out the driver’s side window, taking deep breaths and trying to keep from freaking out.

He heard Fraser’s deep sigh, then the sound of the door handle opening. “Understood, Ray,” Fraser said, before stepping out onto the sidewalk and shutting the door firmly behind him.

*****

Fraser came striding into the 2-7 at noon the next day, and it was business as usual. He stood at the edge of Ray’s desk, Stetson in his hands.

“Ah, good morning, Ray.” Fraser sounded normal enough, and Ray didn’t even think about kissing Fraser when he looked at his mouth, so that was good.

“Hey, Frase, how’s it hanging? Your back okay?” Ray could hear the forced cheerfulness in his voice, and he winced inwardly.

“Quite good. I used a liniment made from the – well, needless to say, it worked, I feel much better this morning.” Ray felt this sense of relief, because he had been really fucking worried about Fraser the day before, although Fraser wasn’t really looking at Ray at all, his eyes cast down toward his fingers on the brim of his hat.

Ray stood up next to Fraser and clapped his hand against Fraser’s shoulder, feeling the rough wool under his fingers, and, yeah, it was _great_, because it didn’t even make Ray think about how Fraser’s uniform felt clenched in his fist the night before. Everything was good, real good.

They went about their day, driving around town to talk to some witnesses in a jewelry store robbery over on Wabash, and things were, well, as normal as they’d been for the past few weeks – Fraser was arguing with Dief every five minutes and avoiding Ray’s eyes, and acting normal in every way except for those little things, which were driving Ray _crazy_. And Ray was trying to forget what Fraser’s hair felt like underneath his fingers.

Then, at the end of the day, they were leaving the station and Fraser turned down Ray’s offer of a ride back to his place, again taking off down the street with Dief at his heels. Ray kicked the side of building once Fraser was out of sight, bruising the hell out of his toe and scuffing his new shoes.

When he got to the car, he got in and slammed the door, but didn’t put the keys in the ignition. He just sat there, his head back against the seat, eyes closed. _Fuck_. Everything was so fucked up, Fraser had _kissed_ him, and he’d kissed him back before freaking out, and now the distance was still huge, even huger than before, even. He didn’t know what to do, and, god – this was _Fraser_, his best friend, and he could not fuck this up.

He was at one gigantic loss for a plan, and the thought of losing Fraser was killing him. He had to make things better, one way or another.

*****

Each day passed in sort of the same way, Fraser meeting Ray in the station sometime in the middle of the day. They went out and talked to witnesses and solved cases and, on the outside, everything seemed fine.

Inside, Ray was freaking out, because he hadn’t spent a second with Fraser outside of work, and Fraser would politely but firmly decline his invitations to dinner and his offers of rides home at the end of the day. Ray was about to explode, because he didn’t want this to happen. He wanted them to be closer, not further apart, and goddamn Fraser for kissing him and making this even more fucked up. Despite the fact that Fraser was doing his best to drive them apart for good, in one way or another, Ray had to be the one to fix it.

Ray drove over to Fraser’s apartment, the night before Fraser was leaving for a two-week long vacation in Canada. He couldn’t let Fraser leave with things like this, so he steeled himself to talk this all out, which was sure to be seriously not fun, as he got out of the car and climbed the steps to Fraser’s apartment. He paused outside of the door, his hand lifted to knock, because it still wasn’t too late to just leave, call Fraser and wish him goodbye, see you later.

But he couldn’t do that, couldn’t just leave his whole relationship with Fraser like that, so here he was. He knocked.

On the second knock, the door swung open and Fraser was standing there, in a Henley and the uniform pants, dishtowel over his shoulder. He looked surprised, and not exactly pleased, to see Ray. “Hey, Benny,” Ray said, trying to sound somewhat casual.

Fraser moved to the side. “Ray,” he said curtly before turning his back on Ray and walking to the sink. Ray shucked his coat as he watched the back of Fraser’s head, watched his arms elbow-deep in soapy water, and slung the coat over the back of one of the kitchen table chairs. Dief was sprawled out on the rug next to the bed, snoring softly.

“You ready to go? All packed and everything?” Ray was trying to make casual conversation, he didn’t want to just launch into the whole _hey, buddy, so you kissed me, in the Riv, and I kind of kissed you back, what’s up with that?_ thing.

“Yes. I don’t have to pack much, most of what I need is already at my father’s cabin.” Fraser didn’t turn around, just spoke the words to the backsplash.

Ray walked across the room and leaned against the counter, just a few feet from where Fraser was furiously washing dishes, even though, from the looks of it, it was just the plate and the cup from Fraser’s dinner. Ray tried to pretend that this was normal, just another night with the two of them. “Well, that’s good. You must miss it a lot, it’s good you get to go back for a little while.”

“Indeed.”

Ray stood there, arms folded across his chest, and watched, staying quiet, as Fraser rinsed the last of the dishes and put them in the rack to dry. He grabbed the towel from his shoulder, wiped his hands, and turned to look at Ray for the first time. “Ray – why are you here?”

_Because you kissed me. And, Jesus, I kissed you back. And you’re Fraser, and a man, for Christ’s sake –_ Ray took a deep breath, and tried to slow down his pounding heart. “Listen, Benny, we gotta talk.”

Fraser cleared his throat. “About what, may I ask?”

Ray gave Fraser a sharp look. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You were _there_. I don’t think I kissed myself.”

Fraser paused, hands still. “No, I don’t suppose you did. And I’m sorry.” His tone was stiff, but Ray could hear that he was giving in, loosening up, just a little.

“No, don’t be – I mean, we were both there, right? We probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Fraser moved a little closer, put his hand on Ray’s shoulder. “Shouldn’t have done what, exactly?” Ray squirmed a little, and, god, he felt like the heat of Fraser’s hand was burning him right through his suit jacket and dress shirt.

“You shouldn’t have – we shouldn’t – I just feel like everything’s a thousand times worse now.”

Fraser pulled back like he was burned. “Ah,” he said, and walked over to the other side of the room to put some food in Dief’s bowl.

“Jesus, Benny, I just didn’t even know, I had no _clue_, and now, you won’t even look at me. God, I’m sorry.” And that was the thing, he _was_ sorry, even though he wasn’t alone in the front seat of the car that night, and he didn’t even start it, damn it, but he would give pretty much anything to go back and do it over, have his friendship with Fraser back.

When he looked up, Fraser was standing close again. Jesus, he was right in Ray’s personal space, hands on either side of Ray’s hips, pinning him between the counter and Fraser. “Well, I’m the one that kissed you, right?” Fraser said, his voice low and rough. “It’s not as though I didn’t do my part.”

Ray swallowed hard. “Jesus, Fraser, can we just pretend it never happened?” It felt like Fraser was moving even closer, and Ray could feel the heat of him through his clothes and he kind of wanted to run but couldn’t.

Then Fraser’s full weight, the hard, heavy bulk of him, pressed up against Ray, making him squeak out a really embarrassing noise. Fraser brought one hand up to cup Ray’s face and ran his thumb over his cheekbone in a steady rhythm.

“No, Ray, I think that’s like trying to close the barn door when the horse is already out, as they say.” Fraser’s breath was hot against Ray’s cheek, and he was freaking out, because this was exactly what he wasn’t sure about.

“Jesus Christ, I don’t know if I want this.” He could hear the half-hearted tone he used when he said it, and he wasn’t sure it was worth protesting when he could feel his Mountie partner’s dick getting hard against his thigh. He could have, _should_ have just pushed Fraser back, grabbed his coat, and took off. It was easy. He could do it right now.

But he didn’t.

“You’re not sure?” Fraser murmured, and then hands were both on Ray’s face, and he was keeping Ray against the counter with his hips, moving in a slow rhythm and making Ray’s breath catch in this throat. And _then_, Fraser’s lips were on his, and he was hanging onto Fraser’s biceps with his hands, clutching him, trying desperately to hold on. Fraser’s lips were soft and sure and Ray just let himself feel it, pushing his rapidly hardening cock against Fraser’s.

He wasn’t sure when or how it happened, but Fraser’s tongue was in this mouth, stroking against his slowly, slickly and his knees weren’t going to hold him. Holy shit, that was Fraser’s _tongue_ and Fraser’s mouth on his, god, what were they doing? Fraser pulled him forward, with a firm grip on his biceps, and then backed him up, out of the kitchen. Fraser was kissing him, pushing his suit jacket off his shoulders onto the floor, and working his deadly competent fingers down the buttons of Ray’s shirt.

Ray pulled away, gasping for breath. “Jesus. What the hell –“

Fraser pressed one hand to Ray’s now-bare chest and the fingertips of the other to his lips, quieting him. “I want this. I think you do too. I think you _know_ you do.”

Ray wanted to argue, tell Fraser that he was wrong, so fucking wrong, because Ray was not like this, at least he didn’t think so, and Christ, he didn’t _do_ this, never wanted to, didn’t want to. But he didn’t move, just ran his tongue along Fraser’s fingertips and felt him shudder.

“Okay. Okay, just – please.” Ray’s voice broke on the last word, and clamped his mouth shut and let Fraser move him, tugging open Ray’s belt and thumbing open his pants as he led him further toward the bed. Ray felt his knees hit the edge, and he sat down, hard, panting, eyes closed.

When he opened them again, Fraser was on his knees at Ray’s feet, and Ray had to swallow back a moan just at the sight of that. That shouldn’t be so hot, he shouldn’t like seeing Fraser kneeling there, dragging down Ray’s zipper and hooking his fingers into Ray’s waistband. Ray lifted his hips and let Fraser pull down his pants and boxers. Ray would be a sad excuse for a guy if he didn’t accept a blowjob, and it didn’t make him _gay_ to want it.

He closed his eyes again, because this was too much, and he couldn’t handle seeing what he was feeling, which was Fraser’s tongue on the head of his dick, so he kept his eyes shut tightly and held on to the edge of the bed with both hands.

But then the problem was, he started thinking, and he remembered that, holy shit, Fraser’s door didn’t even have a _lock_, and what if someone walked in and saw them like this, the bed was right in line with the door, and there’d be no way to pretend that this was anything but what it was: Fraser on his knees, his tongue on Ray’s dick.

Ray reached down and tugged Fraser’s head back by his hair. Fraser looked up at him, his lips wet and glistening, and asked politely, “What?”

And leave it to Fraser to be like that, like he was having high tea with the Queen or something, when he just had his mouth on Ray’s dick. “It’s just – the door, and I don’t want –“

Fraser heaved himself up, striding quickly across to grab a chair from the kitchen and jam it up underneath the doorknob, before Ray could even finish his sentence. He turned back around, pulling his Henley up and over his head and tossing it onto the pile of Ray’s pants and shirt on the floor. “Better now?”

“Yeah, thanks, Benny.” Ray was breathless and, god, he couldn’t even imagine where this was going.

Fraser was dropping back to his knees, but Ray stopped him, pulling him by the belt toward the bed. He was probably the stupidest man in history to stop what was pretty much a guaranteed blow job, but he wanted Fraser up here, next to him. “C’mere.”

Fraser’s face softened, and he climbed onto top of him, and Ray let his hands drift up along the smooth, soft skin of Fraser’s back. Fraser took his mouth again, no hesitation, just deep and wet and fucking perfect. Fraser’s skin felt different, better than he thought it would, just miles and miles of it, and Ray couldn’t stop moving his fingers on it, learning how it felt. He was cradling Fraser between his legs, and they had a good rhythm now, grinding slow and hard into each other, and Ray felt like he might pass out from how good it was.

“God, Ray, I can’t – I want –“ Fraser’s voice was breathy and panting in his ear as he said things to Ray that he’d never heard anyone say, and that he sure never thought he’d hear coming out of Fraser’s mouth. What he wanted, what he wanted to do to Ray, and wanted Ray to do to him.

“Whatever you want, Benny, okay? Anything.” Well, he should have learned at this point not to be surprised by a damn thing that came out of his mouth, because he sure never expected to answer with _that_. Fraser moaned into his neck and ran his tongue along Ray’s ear. Ray threw his head back against the bed and turned it to the side to let Fraser have access.

And there was Dief, staring at the bed, tongue lolling and tail wagging. Fuck.

Ray worked his hands between them to push on Fraser’s chest, enough to make him back off a little. “Ray, what –“ Fraser said, a little snippy.

“Sorry, sorry, the wolf – the damn wolf is _staring_ at us.”

Fraser turned his head to the side. “Diefenbaker,” he said, his voice getting it across that he might actually _kill_ the wolf if he didn’t move right fucking now. Ray could hear Dief’s nails on the hardwood floor, as he flopped down on the kitchen floor and let out a disgruntled whimper.

“Okay, Benny, okay,” Ray said, pushing Fraser up and over onto his back. Fraser was panting and Ray got his first glimpse of what all that skin looked like. It was almost better than touching it. He took a deep breath and leaned over and started to open Fraser’s pants, undoing the clasp, pulling down the zipper, and trying to pretend like he had any fucking clue what he was doing.

“Ray.” Fraser’s voice sounded broken, desperate, and Ray pressed his hand down along the hard length of Fraser’s cock in his boxers. This should be weird, Ray should be freaking out, grabbing his pants and shirt and running, but it didn’t feel that weird, just different, and Fraser seemed to really, really like it. Ray eased Fraser’s boxers down and now they were both naked. It only seemed fair, since Fraser had taken Ray’s clothes off a long time ago.

“I got you, I’m right here,” he said, trying to soothe Fraser a bit before wrapping his hand around Fraser’s cock, and whoa, if that wasn’t a shock, another guy in his hand like that. Fraser was hard and heavy and leaking, and _uncut_, which was weird, and Ray tried to pay attention to how it felt, making a fist and stroking Fraser slowly, firmly, spreading the wetness down his length. It felt good, even to Ray, and Fraser was making all of these unholy noises and pushing his cock up into Ray’s fist with his hips. Ray propped his head up on his hand and jerked Fraser off, watching, fascinating, as the drops of come welled up at the head of his dick.

Fraser was trying to say something, and Ray sped up his hand, suddenly realizing that he wanted to see Fraser come, and soon, but Fraser’s hand was on his, pulling, trying to make him stop. “Wait, Ray, please – wait.” Ray stopped, but kept Fraser in his hand.

Fraser leaned over and grabbed something from under the edge of the bed, thrusting the tube into Ray’s hand. Ray pulled his hand away and rolled over onto his back, turning it over in his hands and trying to slow his breathing, which was starting to sound panicked.

“Ray? It’s okay, you don’t have to.” Fraser sounded like it was almost killing him to say that, lying on his back next to Ray.

Ray sighed heavily and stared at the stains on the ceiling. “It’s not that. I think I want to.” And that was fucking him up more than anything, because the kissing was one thing, and his hand on Fraser’s dick another, but being inside Fraser might really be it. He wasn’t sure if they’d ever get back from that.

Fraser leaned over and ran his hands down Ray’s side, stroking him, petting him almost. “We can wait, or do something else. I just thought, well, I would like to.” Fraser’s voice was soft and Ray _hated_ this, listening to Fraser apologize for something that he hadn’t done, that Ray was in from the beginning.

With his hands on Fraser’s hips, Ray rolled them over so that Ray was on top, kissing Fraser and trying to make him understand with his lips and his tongue all the things he couldn’t say. Fraser’s cock was sweetly sliding against his, wet and slick and perfect. Ray kept his mouth tight on Fraser’s, licking the inside of his mouth with his tongue. He was freaking out, because holy shit, this was _Fraser_, and this was Ray getting ready to put his fingers in Fraser’s ass, and, god, what if he hurt Fraser, he had no fucking clue what he was doing, and this was way different than a blow job, a whole new level of gay. But it was what Fraser wanted, and Ray knew he wanted it _too_, so he slicked up his fingers and slipped them inside Fraser, trying to keep his hands steady.

Fraser groaned up into Ray’s mouth and held on, and, oh, god, this was nothing like he thought it was going to be. Fraser was hot and tight around his fingers, pulling him inside and opening up for him at the same time. It sure sounded like Fraser was enjoying it too, with his litany of “god,” and “Ray, please,” and “so good,” and “harder.” Ray had three fingers buried inside Fraser and Fraser’s whole body was relaxing and letting him in. God. This was going to be the fucking _end_ of him.

He must have done something right, because the next time he pressed his fingers inside, deep, Fraser cried out, pushed back hard against Ray’s fingers. “Oh, god,” Fraser said, his eyes rolling back into his head. Ray had no clue what the hell just happened, but he kept stroking Fraser, right there, his own cock getting impossibly harder just from the sound of Fraser’s moans.

He wasn’t sure how long Fraser had been trying to get his attention, but he heard, “Ray, Ray, Ray,” through the haze.

“Yeah, Benny,” he said, struggling to find his breath, bracing himself against the bed and hanging on.

“Please, god, Ray -- hurry.” Fraser’s voice was barely a whisper, but he sounded desperate and sure. And Ray wanted to do this for Fraser, for himself, goddamn it, and so he took a deep breath and steadied himself. Ray pulled his fingers out as gently as he could. “Okay, yeah, I got it.” He _did_, he was going to do this, do it right. He held himself up on one hand while he slicked himself up, willing himself to relax and settle down, because he was already keyed up and he didn’t want to come before he could give Fraser what he wanted.

Fraser lifted his legs up and tilted his hips, and Ray paused to look at him, because he had always known that Fraser was handsome, beautiful, _gorgeous_, that was fucking hard to miss, but Fraser like this – there was no way Ray could have prepared himself. He threw himself forward onto Fraser’s body, kissing the breath out of him and positioning himself, pushing slowly.

And Fraser, god, Ray should have known, Fraser’s body just let him in, relaxed, and Ray didn’t even have to push all that much, it was good and easy. It was just hot, tight fucking _heat_, and Ray was maybe going to pass out if he wasn’t careful. “God, Benny, god, I had no idea. No idea.”

Fraser was keening, softly enough that Ray had to strain to hear him over the sound of his own panting breath in his head, and Ray started to move. He held himself over Fraser with his hands, Fraser’s cock brushing against Ray’s belly, and Ray could feel the wetness smearing between them. He wondered if Fraser could come like this, just from Ray inside him.

Ray looked down and watched where he was sliding into Fraser, easier than he thought he could and so, so good. He wasn’t ever going to be the same after this. He was doing what lots of people wanted, getting inside Fraser literally and figuratively, and he hadn’t even known it was what he wanted. But Ray was _exactly_ where he wanted to be at that moment.

Fraser’s legs hooked around his waist, and Ray was thrusting harder now. “God, Jesus Christ, Fraser, I can’t --” Fraser moaned and pushed back, meeting Ray thrust for thrust now, pushing back every time Ray fucked all the way back inside. Yes. _Yes_. “I’m gonna -- oh god…” He felt like his brain was coming apart, shattering inside his skull, and he couldn’t put more than two words together. And Fraser, well, he didn’t seem to be doing much better, from the sounds he was making, the way he was moving on Ray’s dick.

At that, come splattered Ray’s belly, and Ray looked up to watch Fraser’s face twisted in a wordless cry, and Jesus, he didn’t even _think_ that Fraser was there, right on the edge. He felt the come wet between them, and Fraser coming around him, and he wasn’t Superman, he wasn’t going to last much longer at all. He took his weight off his arms and threaded his fingers into Fraser’s hair, burying his face in Fraser’s neck and pushing in, one, two times before coming like his spine was liquefying, inside Fraser’s ass. He couldn’t move, couldn’t see, just collapsed onto Fraser completely.

When he came to, he slipped carefully out of Fraser and groaned, turning over onto his back and trying, still, to catch his breath. “Fuck.” He'd just fucked a guy. He'd just fucked Fraser. And he wasn’t even sure how long it was, a few minutes at least, before Fraser was stirring next to him, standing up and padding to the kitchen to bring back a wet towel to clean them up. God bless the Mountie for still having a brain at a time like this.

After they both cleaned up a little, Fraser tossed the towel onto the floor next to the pile, and Ray laughed and pulled him close, Fraser’s head on his chest and his arm around Fraser’s shoulders. It felt pretty fantastic, holding Fraser like this. He wasn’t sure about being held, but he could definitely be okay with this. “What’s so funny?” Fraser said.

Ray drew him even closer. “Oh, nothing. I guess that sex makes you not care so much about that neat and tidy thing, that’s all. You’ve been throwing things on the floor all night.”

“There’ll be time to clean up later.” There was a hint of something sad in Fraser’s voice.

Two things suddenly hit Ray: Fraser was _leaving_, in mere hours, off to the wilds of Canada for two weeks, just as things seemed to be making sense. Well, not sense, but at least Fraser was talking to him, and the sex – well, there was that too, and it was fantastic. Also, Ray had to get home, or Ma would freak out, but Ray didn’t want to run out on Fraser after this, after Fraser laid himself bare and put himself on the line. And he had too, put himself out there, opened himself up, and that was huge.

The room was quiet, had been for a while, when Ray said, “When’s your flight?”

A pause, then, “Eight thirty.” Ray looked at his watch, which he never took off, and saw that it was one a.m.. _Shit_.

“I should go. I mean, Ma is already going to have my head for being this late, and I’ve gotta come get you early…”

Fraser didn’t say anything, nothing, just held onto Ray, arms around his waist. Ray stroked his hair back from his face until he heard Fraser’s soft snore, felt his deep, even breathing against his chest.

He could stay. He’d figure out what the hell to tell his mother when he got home from the airport, maybe he’d just tell her it was a late night working and he crashed at Fraser’s since he had to take him to the airport early anyway.

Ray fell asleep with his nose buried in Fraser’s hair.

*****

Ray felt the light hit his face, warm, and he started, sat up suddenly. _Fuck_. They hadn’t set an alarm or anything, and lord knew what time it was.

Ray blinked, and saw Fraser closing up his bag and walking it over to rest next to the door. He should have known Fraser wouldn’t sleep through his flight. He probably had some crazy internal RCMP issue time device that wouldn’t let him sleep past dawn.

Ray threw the blanket, which he didn’t remember falling asleep with, off and put his feet on the floor. “Morning,” he said, his voice hoarse and scratchy with sleep. “What time is it?”

Fraser was standing next to the bed, in front of Ray, holding out his hand to help him to his feet. “Good morning. It’s six.” Ray put his hand in Fraser’s and let Fraser haul him up, trying not to be self-conscious in the light of the fact that he was still totally naked. Fraser didn’t let go of his hand though, and pulled Ray into his arms, kissing him soundly. And yeah, Ray almost pulled away, because it still seemed fucking bizarre to have Fraser touching him, kissing him, but every tiny doubt that had crept in went away as Fraser moved his mouth on Ray’s, and Ray let himself be held, even if it was just for a minute.

“Ugh, Fraser, let me brush my teeth. Can I use your toothbrush?” Ray said, finally, reluctantly pulling away and reaching for his clothes on the floor. And Jesus, somehow, even after the sex, something as stupid as using Fraser’s toothbrush almost felt like too much.

“Certainly, Ray.”

Ray dressed slowly, pulling boxers and pants on, buckling and buttoning up. Dief was still parked in the kitchen, head down, probably still pissed as hell after the way Fraser treated him the night before. Ray rolled up the cuffs of his shirt and moved the chair to let himself out of the door to walk down to the bathroom, hoping no one would see him, that no one _heard_ them last night. Fraser had definitely made some noise. Ray probably had, too.

When he got to the bathroom, he brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face, looking up to inspect his face in the mirror. He almost expected to see “FAG” tattooed across his forehead, or “FUCKED HIS PARTNER,” at the very least, but he looked the same as he had when he’d gotten for ready for work in his own bathroom the morning before. He waited for the panic to start, but it didn’t come, he just felt _good_. Like something had been settled that he hadn’t even known was out there.

Ray walked back down the hall and let himself back into the apartment. Fraser was sitting on the edge of the bed, lacing up his boots. When he looked up, the corners of his mouth turned up into a slight smile, and Ray knew he was grinning like a total idiot.

“You ready?”

“Yes, Ray, let’s go.”

*****

Ray pulled up to the curb at the Air Canada departure terminal and left the car running. The ride to the airport had been quiet, and Ray had started thinking and, if anything he’d learned in the past couple of weeks, it was that thinking too much caused him a world of trouble.

He jumped out of the car and walked around to take Fraser’s bag out the trunk, and he let Dief out of the backseat onto the sidewalk. Fraser got out of the car, and they stood there, on the curb, closer than was strictly necessary. Neither of them seemed to know what to say.

Ray was the first to break. “I’ll pick you up, okay? When are you coming back?”

“The twenty-seventh”

“Okay, I’ll be here.” Ray put one hand on Fraser’s shoulder. “Have a safe trip.” He knew he should say something else, but what do you say? _The sex was great, really fantastic, and I’m a little freaked out but I swear I’ll be here and we’ll figure it out._ God.

Fraser looked at him, and Ray was scared, terrified to let Fraser walk through those doors and onto that plane without making sure he understood. He wanted to kiss Fraser there, in front of O’Hare and Chicago and Dief and Canadians, so that he knew, so that there was no doubt whatsoever, but he just _couldn’t_. Fraser nodded, and put his hands on Ray’s shoulders, like he understood what Ray wanted to do but couldn’t. Ray yanked on Fraser’s arm and pulled him into a hug, which seemed safe enough, even if it lasted way longer than was usually considered friendly.

After a few minutes of standing there and clutching each other, Dief barked at them sharply, probably trying to remind them where the hell they were. They pulled away from each other, and Fraser cleared his throat and picked his bag up off the ground. “I will, Ray.” Fraser smiled, then turned and walked through the automatic doors, Dief at his heels.

*****

Ray found himself whistling in the car on the way home, which was pretty embarrassing, actually. He felt like a teenager, like he was feeling this for the first time, and he guessed he _was_, in some ways. This was _Fraser_, and nothing, not Angie or any other woman, had been quite the same.

He’d spent two years following Fraser, watching him, being here for him, rescuing him when he needed it. Ray Vecchio wasn’t the same person he was when Fraser walked into the station, looking for him. Fraser had made sure of that.

Even though he was scared shitless, and he had to go home and face his ma, he thought that the two weeks couldn’t go by fast enough. Then he’d be there to meet Fraser’s plane, and it seemed to Ray like anything was possible at that point, with Fraser.


End file.
